Perceptions

A very old poem I made during my college days. Reminiscing one's youth and a celebration of one's raw talent.

How deep a shallow river is?
How shallow a deep river is?
Is the river shallow to the ant?
Or the river deep to the mountains?
What then is the river?
If I swam and discover
that the water is at the height of my chest.
Is it neither shallow nor deep?
Ask the river and it will not know the answer.

The Law

No regrets.
The perfect opportunity came.
Though words left unspoken,
the deed said more than enough.

No bitterness.
The best out of the limited happened.
Far from perfect it was,
the story hasn't come to an end.

No turning back.
The vision has yet to be realized.
Inner strength growing,
The law will always lead to absolute perfection.

So I rather say...
Dream and Hope
Be Happy and Forgive
Move on and Move Forward.

Give Love and soon be loved.

Untitled - June 14, 2012

In my own loneliness
a spark filled my hopes
that someday will be graced
by our own nothingness.

Exasperated with life
yet intrigued by possibilities
A new reality was finally formed
Tonight, you and me alone.

Closest but not yet
Present but not there
Realities are mixed up
But our lives intertwined.

But I chose to give way
I wished you the best
I shared my life
I fought for your happiness.

Like the four seasons
which will never meet yet almost,
perhaps I'll still chase you
where there is the unknown.

Rationale

Before the year ends, I've managed to write one.

Past the trying times

of living, while leaving

that same hole.

Yet still uncovered,

but became unnoticed.

Escaped what is not me.

A victorious exit

teaching them life's lessons.

Though out of ignorance,

still principles unchanged.

It finally came.

That long overdue reunion

of heart, reality, and soul.

Seems comforting,

however without meaning.

Stuck with the mystery,

behind life's realities.

Body became frozen.

And rather than preservation,

'twas the start of destruction.

The Calling

Finally, after about 1.5 years of drought... I have posted one.

My eyes are sparkling,
with every blink,
the pages unfold.

The dusts on the road
were swept by the raging storm.
The dark clouds in the sky
were parted by the emerging rays of the sun.
From the seed sprung a tiny branch.
The buds finally bloom.
The man reached the moon.

I closed my eyes.
The stream silently flows.
A historical scene.
Perpetually calm,
unusually inviting.

With a deep breath,
I shrugged off the confetti stars on my shoulders.
They fell and turned into stones.

My eyes are sparkling.
With every blink,
the pages unfold.

It reached the end.
A glorious light revealed itself.
Blank spaces, empty boxes,
armed with a sturdy frame.
Hope arises,
clothed with loving arms.
I finally saw myself.

Heartfelt

"I transformed the love into self serving motives. Immediate comfort that is so trivial. After all, it's the only option I got. To experience even a little of love."

24 Hours

I don't expect anyone to understand. I am confused myself!

While eyes are heavy
The beam of light pierced me.
Yet again, I am in the wrong place.
Its time to move.

My 24 hours has just begun.
I chose to be still
Unknowingly it was a journey
Of deception, and of promises.

I moved not to start the day
but to turn back and redeem
The world didn’t see me.
I created my own.

The morning light.
I saw sun rising twice the same day.
Same spot
In a different dimension.

My being mechanical.
The system went beyond it.
No hunger, No thirst.
Intake wasn’t necessary.

I made myself conscious…

1st quarter – was nothing
But ordinary.
Just a usual scene.

Approaching 2nd quarter
A little devastating.
But armed with that inner strength.

2nd quarter was a reality
Passed by so fast
I needed more.

3rd quarter was a practice
but like the sunrise
it happened twice in a day.

It resulted to a commotion
Body clock rattled.
Every hour it signals.
Expecting an end.

Then it approached the 4th quarter.
The interval became closer.
The world turns.
Every thought surreal

I was so bad.
Then celebrities grabbing attention.
I got involved in a big trouble.
Then I wasn’t good enough.
I want to forget.
In my sleep they haunted me.
I cannot recognize if I’m dreaming or awake.
Never ending.
Never stopping until the 4th quarter lapsed.

When I saw the sun the second time,
I hardly had a quiet time
While no one is there.
While I am just alone.

24 hours.
One body and soul.
Still, the world is waiting
With the same reality.
It only made it worse.

Healing

My song of the moment...


Now that we have gotten through
One more fall
I can just admit I've got it all
Cause I do
Cause I've got you
We've crossed these battle lines too many times
It passes through the heart
But it never leaves a mark

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more cure
One more chance that wasn't there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

I've kicked around those lines in my head
But I never listened to the words that You said
See where it's lead
Well I know I have it now
Cause You showed me how
And all I had to do
Was just to keep my eyes on You

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more cure
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

(break)

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling

Lord I know that Your love is healing

The Discovery

Tears were uncertain
Either to drop
Or to fight gravity.

The probable act
Speaks a magnitude
Different from what is seen.

Every release
Connotes defeat.
It succumbs to failure the least.

Holding back
Is a stressful attempt.
Nearly exploding from fear.

Uncertain...

Forceful...

On the verge of...

A make or break...

Little drops
Impossible to hold.
Sparkling with vengeance

Eyes finally closed.
Then watered the ground.
Unstoppable.

An admission though,
Weakness was empowered.
A glorious reality.

The prisoner of tradition
Unveiling a new discovery –
A melancholic festivity.

The Fight

At a crossroad,
Humanity can choose
Whatever direction
To pursue.

Turning Left
Was an action
Agreed by
Mind and body.

Resulting failure
Was a consolation
To know the right path
This time.

Everyone anticipates
It will be Right by now.
But no signal reflected,
It went down Straight.

They are free -
Results are boundless.
They can detour anytime
Make up for lost time.

When it’s my turn to cross…
Then I found.

Day and Night,
I mastered the moves.
I could’ve worked my way.
But my feet were cuffed.

I’m bound to rot,
Decay my flesh
Exorcism of some sort,
I am trapped.

Powerful mind
Unrelenting Faith
Focused thought
I can escape entrapment

Now I begin to take steps
Surprisingly boundless
I chose my path.
My imagination becomes reality.

Hope

Letters form words -
If I bother to read.
Words give meanings-
If I dare to understand.
Meanings become reality-
If I just believe.

Answers were revealed.
But what do they seem to me?

The inner self explodes.

I started to climb
But should not falter
I was handed the key
That I cannot drop.
I received the promise.
I should believe.

Faith is within me.
How long will it be?

Mind juggles and resolves.


There is only ONE hope.

Menu

Some years ago,
mom has ordered
comfort food and staples
to the waiter in red.
It was for two.

Rice - steaming hot.
Meat - well done.
Lots of vegetables - all leafy greens.
plus ice cream for pleasure.

Year after year,
she ordered the same thing.
I ate the same thing.

But soon my mind explored.
Without mom I thought:
Why not pasta over rice?
Omit others.
Then add cakes and crepes with ice cream.

Then year after year,
I ordered that same thing.
I pleasured that same thing.

Not too long,
body collapsed.
Consequences faced.
Foundations shattered.
I have to learn.

Today, I''m about to order.
What mom used to order.
Comfort food and staples
for my son.
It will be for two.

My First Haiku

The people crossing
nude in the eyes of the wise
empty beneath hats.

Immortal

Now I'll start my life without you.
But I remain strong coz I knew.
Though my eyes will set at blank corners,
what we shared will get the day through.

An empty chair will never be,
for my phone filled with your messages
makes me forget you even left.

While distant and apart,
I'll just close my eyes
and feel your gentle kiss...
then my emptiness will be gone
knowing you are also thinking of me.

Soon our worlds will be apart
and ocean might separate us.
But we have each other's heart
where our friendship will reside.

In time, we'll be together,
as if never waited.
And it will even surprise us,
why we feel like we just had yesterday.

Victory

Quest is persistent.
Opportunities are boundless;
but failure is handful,
and to end is sentenced.

'Twas a bright day ,
where hopes are sky high,
where dreams unshattered.
Winning will be a choice.

But the fact surprised me.
The dream was stolen.
I became divided.
To neighbor and thy self.

Passion has flaws.
The one I lived,
others will realize.
Sure it's meant, though unfair.

Battle continues.
Search never over.
Learnings with me.
I will finally taste victory.

Life Track

Rays of light sip through the car
illuminating the face I've seen
a long time ago;
my lifetime at that.

Drizzling rain continuously drops
and blocks the outside world
making that familiar face
stand out than any other element.

In a stop, the honk of the vehicles
seemed to be mute -
as the same face emerges
in all possible reflection.

I stared and found myself…

Same set of eyes
but of different depth.
The spark suggests
it has gained wisdom of the unknown.

Breaks released,
gas accelerated,
another journey has begun.

From a far,
same rough roads
and blinding darkness
awaiting to be discovered.

Only time will tell
if tomorrow will be
another destination at last.

Or it will be the same track
suggesting that the learning
has yet to be mastered.

Reflection of the Soul

I feel the cold drops of perspiration. I'm about to let go of the wastes I accumulated for the past day. I went inside the bathroom and brought along any magazine available. I pulled down my pants and sat on the throne. While glancing the pages looking at photos, I am concentrating at the same time for the success of this endeavour. As I'm having a tummy problem as well, the release takes time while cramps are getting more often. I closed my eyes and as if I'm letting go of my spirits. I took a deep breath and I felt a bitter sweet relief. I made it through. I felt brand new without traces of the past.
As I'm cleaning myself, I realized one thing. How I wish my heart's burden is similar as the human waste. Though you carry it, there's a definite and perfect time to let go. You may feel pain but it ends. It may be a cycle but it will never be of the same nature because everyday is a different experience. But my issue is persistent. Rusty same old. If only my heart is the waste, I could've died of internal body poisoning a long long time ago.

JUNO

Today, I watched JUNO alone and I don't know what happened but I suddenly felt good about myself after. I didn't bother to even analyze and squeeze my brain out to find the reason. All I know is that I am happy being me, and I'm not afraid now to soar and do what I want. I'm not bothered by what will happen to work tomorrow, or that I'm actually about to say no to someone in just a matter of time. I see myself on the mirror and I look fat but I know it will just get a lot better.

Or probably it all boils down to the fact the fact that I was able to tame myself in buying New York Fries and I felt proud? Or because Ellen Page is really cool? Or that because I look nicer when I smile and I liked it? Or because and so? Heck!

Gratitude

For Yvette...

I kept myself from all the dangers I foresee...
May it look like its all but a mystery, but it only guards the fragile in me.
It's not that I didn't try, but I just never found, never had the chance, never ready.
But now I'm just starting like a high school kid, just about to explore.
I'm glad you are there as I discover what friendship is supposed to be.
A lot of thanks for sharing your life, guiding my path, and opening my eyes to this whole new world I see.

Wanted: Closure

I spend today as it was still yesterday.
Same you who risked the norm of love to find that one who'll understand.
Same me who fell so strong believing that a prayer answered is a love immortal.
My memories are better kept inside the box,
but they always try to live in a place not for them.

As I see you, I will look for those eyes that cared,
hands that gave comfort, arms that accepted.
Though I know I will no longer find them in you,
my heart continues to weave the past together with the life I'm having without you.

I need to go as you have moved on...
Though I just can't because my life is you.

I need to let you go, but we need to talk it over.
But you never will as you try to forget our life that you left.

The Awakening

The tales often describe...
How one will be mesmerized by the beauty of the rainbow after every storm.
How the stars shine and twinkle at the evening sky.
I have only seen the rainbow a couple of times,
and only yesterday I caught the stars twinkling for the first time.
I have yet to see how seagulls fly just before sunset.
Or chase the fireflies from the forrest trees.
The world I see is not the world I live in.
Its abundance was blinded by what I choose to believe.
Like my heart that only breathes you,
I have yet to see it smile from music, from poetry...
My passion but you.

TRILOGY

I.
With blood I found a shelter though filled with love is threatening - outside of that is all but ridicule.
There are selfless souls who may be unconditional but were never meant, though still persistent.
I became my own army for a battle I have to win - but kept wondering the purpose of existence and the reason to fight.
And there came my refuge who will always be the savior and funny how I still wander.
Then I found you who became every color I recognize but suddenly fades...
And I found them, a temporary relief that can never make up for the roles I ideally picture them.
A journey braved by hope that I will find what I'm looking for...
But until now, I never knew home...
I still never knew...




II.
For if you love, you have to accept that you don't share your life to be reciprocated.
You do it at your own will, with the risk of not being understood.
Many a times, justification of an intention so pure will never compensate destiny.
Then you get hurt by hoping there's something in return.
How ironic it may seem that you don't choose the one to love,
but you have to make a choice to let it go.


III.
I walked the first time in a cold late dawn...
Sky a mix of blue and orange where clouds appear dull and dark.
But still the night sky is apparent with the glowing stars and halfmoon.
The world so at peace and only the sound of the morning clock I rhytmically hear.
Slowly, the east sky spreads to a pale orange overthrowing the blue.
People started to jog and some ride their bicycles.
I never expected I can greet the morning smiling.
I never thought I will be looking forward to a new day.
As the world turns, I want to be here again - exactly where I was,
and celebrate life.

Not

Its not everyday that you are looked upon by the stars sent to guide your darkest hours.
They will not be ever so glowing and will shine for someone else.
Not everyday pieces of one's heart are showered abundantly without request.
They never made it whole as they didn't stand the test of time.
Despite you just around, its not everyday.
And this time no tomorrow, and not once again.

Looking inside a Pessimist’s mind

Dated April 28, 2005. just jot down whatever i felt that time. haven't proof read


If someone would look inside my heart, they will surely be surprised for they will see nothing but pain and suffering enveloped in a thick mass. i am surprised myself that i have been this severe and i am losing hope if ever i will recover. This is unexpectedly detrimental and toxic. i am slowly losing sight of the beauty of life. i've almost given up for so many times. but i did cling on not because i want to, but because i need to after realizing that there is no escape anywhere i go.
its just so sad that once you found a bit of hope in your helpless condition, that same hope which gave you strength and inspiration to go on... that very same thing you longed and prayed for all your life.... suddenly, it was brutally taken out of you... and you cant just do anything about it no matter how hard you try. Why in the world i deserve this? While everyone else would greet it as it come and go... This is the very first for me.. the very first time i see colors in my struggling life.
i would assume it is but normal to feel awkward and uneasy at first when in an instant, there was someone  giving you special care and attention you believed you never deserve. All the more when all your life, you are used to being left alone... I was such a piece of shit.. I doubted everything. I made the two of us always contemplate if this is something we're supposed to do... and things have changed since then. I never wanted to let go.. that was not my intention.. i only wanted assurance that we're not being blinded by the circumstances... But i guess it was a bad move... It was one deadly act that is ruining my life right now. and whats the another stupid thing? I became so attached to my new life that i would not let go.... i cant imagine myself going back to the ugly dirty den that i used to call my refuge. I was never myself since then until now.. i was like the rain which poured so hard that my raindrops would fall in a disastrous way. i am being freed at last! i used to believe that.. i have escaped!.. but I forgot that there are unexpected barriers that will come my way and blocked me straight to my face... it left me disoriented of what really is happening. But it happened anyway....
I guess my fate would never allow me to deserve what is the best in life.. i always have to settle for what is available.. this cuts me like a knife... this tears me apart so wide... but i can reconcile.. for how long? i dont know... and that starts another wicked curse to my life. But i will live up to my reason that what happened was not intentional.. it was a burst of emotion that was kept for a long long time and it just exploded. i can never manage that... though my mind is suggesting otherwise. i explained that. but nothing happened. Because of that, there were a lot of sleepless nights which added to my almost insane condition. it was a totally different torture for me. While lying on my bed, I can sense my heart beating so fast... my chest seems to be like a springboard of tons and tons of baggage... i cant hardly breathe at that time. to add up, my mind is buggling with unexplainable thoughts.. it is as if it tries to be powerful enough to undo what has happened, which is totally impossible. My eyes are blank.. my mouth wants to choke anytime... my body is restless.. my spirit is very disturbed. When the time comes for me to rise.. i never felt i rested at all.. i felt that i came from a lost battle... i was such a loser that i dont want to face even my own reflection.
Now, i am trying to compensate what is left for me.. a not so difficult decision to make because there was no choice anyway.. but facing it is a totally different story. How many more sleepless nights? How much more I have to suffer? i am getting tired and i want an end. but if end will come, then whats next? a cycle i guess of a never ending quest on how to ruin my already meaningless life. what a pleasant surprise!

Crying Time

Need I say more???

This drop is a liberation...
From the innermost - a burst.
To you - my expression of rage.

Drop suddenly pours.
Exhilarating as the soul tries to escape and unleash.
Mind blowing, heart pounding - It continues.
Images appear, dreams persist - all unveils.

Then a temporary calmness,
a drought I am expecting,
similar preparedness.

Now I'm parked to get off the car.
Till the next crying time.

Journey To Transformation

The cliche "you left me out of nowhere" set in another tone.

In that fresh river flowing, we freed ourselves and followed the path.
We are greeted by that same roughness and calmness to a destination we never know where.
Our rhythm at the same pace, melodically creating a sweet serenade.
But towards the fall you never bothered to hold tight.
May it seem you lost your way along the chaos, your avoidance was intentional.

At peace again, the world is different.
You became salt, I became stale.
Situated from two different poles, togetherness is unimaginable.
This ride of life is over - So Are We.

Buhay matapos...

Ano ang buhay matapos ang lahat? napagtanto ko..


Miminsan, isang mapait na alaala lamang ang iyong dapat lisanin,
ngunit hindi Siya na patuloy na magiging kabigkis ng buhay.
Patuloy mong hagkan ang mabuti at masaya, at ipagpaliban ang kirot.
Palawakin ang kaisipan at hwag igapos sa tinik na kanyang iniwan.

Silent War

I've been waiting as far back as I understood what my heart is for.
A sudden rush of emotion emerges as pictures of the dream blind me.
I long to journey a life not alone, as I miss how my soul was touched by the simplest of ways.
I feel the void more frequently than ever, but I hold back the tears for the hope of finding.
In the most unexpected I'll see you... Hoping I will never ever lose you.
Beyond what's unseen is a force that silently fights. A long struggle waiting to be finally at peace.

My Triumph

I felt this before,
this isn't something new.
I've been here before,
I recognize every detail as it was yesterday.
I'm having the same feeling.
I'm having the same hurt.
I'm reminiscing how was it to be stabbed and be helpless.
But I will not succumb because I know better,
I will not let my spirit die for there's tomorrow.
I keep my worth not for someone else's prize,
but for my own possession.
You can never dictate what I will feel.
You can only trigger, but you can't control.

Regret

I'm missing you like I miss the world without my heart.
I'd like to hold tight to a free spirit but I can't feel the warmth.
Only in my memory they will come alive...
At times, its better that way-
perfect, ideal, and just as if everything falls into place.
If I can only say the right words to change the mind,
If I can undo things already ruined by time.

???

One must know where to end, to know where the perfect time to rest-
It is where what's left should be kept and what's lost should not be regained back.
Despite temptations, I will never insist.
Despite emotional damage, i will not push.
I lost it as I lose my hope of a dream coming true.
It hurts to know that what was as tight and as close is slowly shattering-
just like the wind blowing the dark ashes.
I accept the truth but I dont know how to face it...
I know where I stand but it is not where I was situated before...
Fate will give no more chances to make it up,
and all justifications will be effortless.
I am waiving goodbye - this time sane and calm.
In a land where I continuously struggle to belong,
I guess I am meant to be the island.
(Or should I find the similar islands instead?)

Quarter Life Came Early

Some say you don't have to explain yourself to anyone... I beg to disagree because to get a piece of you, you have to give something of you...


Ive been secretly writing for quite sometime now... As I have been for a decade or so.

I remember putting them on my small pocket notebook writing poems about envy, about nature with methods of personification; toying with words just for the sake. I even dared to write a novel even without full knowledge about the technicalities of how to set the plot, how to establish the climax, and how to end it. I got frustrated when it got lost during my highschool days. I never found it... I lost my early memorabilia.

There was a lapse. A sudden break from passion. A silent protest.

College days, I started writing again even without effort; trigerred by intense emotions I can't even control. With my lowest comes a work so deep I never questioned. Saving them as a text message, writing it on a piece of paper; they became so volatile, they come and go.

Year 2005 was a revelation from an aftermath. Year 2005, month of April, after my birthday, was a time in one's life when a man has to hold tight to what's left. Year 2005 was when writing became an outlet to withstand a lingering pain and I challenged myself to document it this time.

A couple of years since, a collection of bits and pieces of me was formed. Mostly dark because of its root. Some would shed hope because there is no way but to strive for it.

I will continue to write whatever reasons I will have for doing so... I should never waste a gift.
When I'll be gone, myself will stay with these words.

Life is a cycle. Circumstances are but similar to all; only that we express them in a way it best represents ourselves. As for me, I choose words because they are powerful, and that power can translate into music which is my heart and soul.

Till the next Chapter...

My Invisible War

The war has begun...
of survival and belonging,
of protecting and disengagement.
You broke the trust,
you earn the consequence.
I will not let this pass,
you'll never find it easy.

The war has begun...
you'll have the good times,
I'll have the bad.
Despite weaknesses,
I'll win the hearts.
You'll be a wanderer for all that is shallow,
simply because that's what you've got.
And I will find myself in comfort
of those who lasts.

My Heart's Voyage

Love yourself enough to be able to share love better next time...


You’ll never know the rivers I crossed until you continue walking with me.
If not , you’ll only know so much.
And you cant say that much.
I will never insist because it should be as free as the waters.
I don’t control other’s desires; I’m just at my best at any given time.

I’ve been at risk from deep trenches, monstrous waves.
Braved all of them for a light that I want to see.
I never expected that calmness would mean the end.
It’s but a bitter anticipation that triumph is not a reward of suffering.

I sailed back to the old creek that I have been.
Nothing has changed, but circumstances did.
I’ll fix my haven to accommodate my lost soul.
I’ll regain the strength, for a lifelong journey is up ahead.

When I smell the cold, inviting breeze at a shore next to me,
I’ll be there when I am ready. I’ll make the healing swift.
I can’t afford to lose so much time.
After all, my destiny is there - waiting for me.

Home

The freedom to express only applies to the norm.
Anything beyond or below that is a wicked gesture. I
somehow expected to be understood but failed,
I went out my way, but left disturbed.

There is no paradise.
There are no castles in the air.
I lived all my life with self-formed delusions.
I'm trapped in a world full of promises,
Only to find out none of them will last.

I have to go back to the old soul.
Lonely but tougher, saner, calmer.
I will dig to what I'm really made of,
By then, I'll be talking to myself, my one true self.

Expectations

Though my heart is at peace, the sea creates waves it kills.

Great Hopes

Missing you is like facing the world of bitter anticipation.

Patiently waiting for a bus to arrive finding there's none.

Deciding to buy your favorite stuff realizing you don't have your cash and card.

Having your regular haircut resulting to a disaster.

Each and everyday delusion forms that you will change your mind.

I'd risk my life for a feeling this strong... I'd risk my life.

A Martyr's Code

Love is beyond mutuality, beyond commitment...

It's having the courage to never stop after every storm.

It's believing that loving alone is enough because it's the right person anyway.

I'ts finding serenity in an unsecure place only because the feeling is much stronger than any odds.

It's when you finally stop to long that the sweet past will revive but the love still grows stronger than ever.

It's when you imagine yourself on your deathbed and never regret despite the life that's lost.