Dated April 28, 2005. just jot down whatever i felt that time. haven't proof read
If someone would look inside my heart, they will surely be surprised for they will see nothing but pain and suffering enveloped in a thick mass. i am surprised myself that i have been this severe and i am losing hope if ever i will recover. This is unexpectedly detrimental and toxic. i am slowly losing sight of the beauty of life. i've almost given up for so many times. but i did cling on not because i want to, but because i need to after realizing that there is no escape anywhere i go.
its just so sad that once you found a bit of hope in your helpless condition, that same hope which gave you strength and inspiration to go on... that very same thing you longed and prayed for all your life.... suddenly, it was brutally taken out of you... and you cant just do anything about it no matter how hard you try. Why in the world i deserve this? While everyone else would greet it as it come and go... This is the very first for me.. the very first time i see colors in my struggling life.
i would assume it is but normal to feel awkward and uneasy at first when in an instant, there was someone giving you special care and attention you believed you never deserve. All the more when all your life, you are used to being left alone... I was such a piece of shit.. I doubted everything. I made the two of us always contemplate if this is something we're supposed to do... and things have changed since then. I never wanted to let go.. that was not my intention.. i only wanted assurance that we're not being blinded by the circumstances... But i guess it was a bad move... It was one deadly act that is ruining my life right now. and whats the another stupid thing? I became so attached to my new life that i would not let go.... i cant imagine myself going back to the ugly dirty den that i used to call my refuge. I was never myself since then until now.. i was like the rain which poured so hard that my raindrops would fall in a disastrous way. i am being freed at last! i used to believe that.. i have escaped!.. but I forgot that there are unexpected barriers that will come my way and blocked me straight to my face... it left me disoriented of what really is happening. But it happened anyway....
I guess my fate would never allow me to deserve what is the best in life.. i always have to settle for what is available.. this cuts me like a knife... this tears me apart so wide... but i can reconcile.. for how long? i dont know... and that starts another wicked curse to my life. But i will live up to my reason that what happened was not intentional.. it was a burst of emotion that was kept for a long long time and it just exploded. i can never manage that... though my mind is suggesting otherwise. i explained that. but nothing happened. Because of that, there were a lot of sleepless nights which added to my almost insane condition. it was a totally different torture for me. While lying on my bed, I can sense my heart beating so fast... my chest seems to be like a springboard of tons and tons of baggage... i cant hardly breathe at that time. to add up, my mind is buggling with unexplainable thoughts.. it is as if it tries to be powerful enough to undo what has happened, which is totally impossible. My eyes are blank.. my mouth wants to choke anytime... my body is restless.. my spirit is very disturbed. When the time comes for me to rise.. i never felt i rested at all.. i felt that i came from a lost battle... i was such a loser that i dont want to face even my own reflection.
Now, i am trying to compensate what is left for me.. a not so difficult decision to make because there was no choice anyway.. but facing it is a totally different story. How many more sleepless nights? How much more I have to suffer? i am getting tired and i want an end. but if end will come, then whats next? a cycle i guess of a never ending quest on how to ruin my already meaningless life. what a pleasant surprise!
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