The Awakening

The tales often describe...
How one will be mesmerized by the beauty of the rainbow after every storm.
How the stars shine and twinkle at the evening sky.
I have only seen the rainbow a couple of times,
and only yesterday I caught the stars twinkling for the first time.
I have yet to see how seagulls fly just before sunset.
Or chase the fireflies from the forrest trees.
The world I see is not the world I live in.
Its abundance was blinded by what I choose to believe.
Like my heart that only breathes you,
I have yet to see it smile from music, from poetry...
My passion but you.

TRILOGY

I.
With blood I found a shelter though filled with love is threatening - outside of that is all but ridicule.
There are selfless souls who may be unconditional but were never meant, though still persistent.
I became my own army for a battle I have to win - but kept wondering the purpose of existence and the reason to fight.
And there came my refuge who will always be the savior and funny how I still wander.
Then I found you who became every color I recognize but suddenly fades...
And I found them, a temporary relief that can never make up for the roles I ideally picture them.
A journey braved by hope that I will find what I'm looking for...
But until now, I never knew home...
I still never knew...




II.
For if you love, you have to accept that you don't share your life to be reciprocated.
You do it at your own will, with the risk of not being understood.
Many a times, justification of an intention so pure will never compensate destiny.
Then you get hurt by hoping there's something in return.
How ironic it may seem that you don't choose the one to love,
but you have to make a choice to let it go.


III.
I walked the first time in a cold late dawn...
Sky a mix of blue and orange where clouds appear dull and dark.
But still the night sky is apparent with the glowing stars and halfmoon.
The world so at peace and only the sound of the morning clock I rhytmically hear.
Slowly, the east sky spreads to a pale orange overthrowing the blue.
People started to jog and some ride their bicycles.
I never expected I can greet the morning smiling.
I never thought I will be looking forward to a new day.
As the world turns, I want to be here again - exactly where I was,
and celebrate life.

Not

Its not everyday that you are looked upon by the stars sent to guide your darkest hours.
They will not be ever so glowing and will shine for someone else.
Not everyday pieces of one's heart are showered abundantly without request.
They never made it whole as they didn't stand the test of time.
Despite you just around, its not everyday.
And this time no tomorrow, and not once again.

Looking inside a Pessimist’s mind

Dated April 28, 2005. just jot down whatever i felt that time. haven't proof read


If someone would look inside my heart, they will surely be surprised for they will see nothing but pain and suffering enveloped in a thick mass. i am surprised myself that i have been this severe and i am losing hope if ever i will recover. This is unexpectedly detrimental and toxic. i am slowly losing sight of the beauty of life. i've almost given up for so many times. but i did cling on not because i want to, but because i need to after realizing that there is no escape anywhere i go.
its just so sad that once you found a bit of hope in your helpless condition, that same hope which gave you strength and inspiration to go on... that very same thing you longed and prayed for all your life.... suddenly, it was brutally taken out of you... and you cant just do anything about it no matter how hard you try. Why in the world i deserve this? While everyone else would greet it as it come and go... This is the very first for me.. the very first time i see colors in my struggling life.
i would assume it is but normal to feel awkward and uneasy at first when in an instant, there was someone  giving you special care and attention you believed you never deserve. All the more when all your life, you are used to being left alone... I was such a piece of shit.. I doubted everything. I made the two of us always contemplate if this is something we're supposed to do... and things have changed since then. I never wanted to let go.. that was not my intention.. i only wanted assurance that we're not being blinded by the circumstances... But i guess it was a bad move... It was one deadly act that is ruining my life right now. and whats the another stupid thing? I became so attached to my new life that i would not let go.... i cant imagine myself going back to the ugly dirty den that i used to call my refuge. I was never myself since then until now.. i was like the rain which poured so hard that my raindrops would fall in a disastrous way. i am being freed at last! i used to believe that.. i have escaped!.. but I forgot that there are unexpected barriers that will come my way and blocked me straight to my face... it left me disoriented of what really is happening. But it happened anyway....
I guess my fate would never allow me to deserve what is the best in life.. i always have to settle for what is available.. this cuts me like a knife... this tears me apart so wide... but i can reconcile.. for how long? i dont know... and that starts another wicked curse to my life. But i will live up to my reason that what happened was not intentional.. it was a burst of emotion that was kept for a long long time and it just exploded. i can never manage that... though my mind is suggesting otherwise. i explained that. but nothing happened. Because of that, there were a lot of sleepless nights which added to my almost insane condition. it was a totally different torture for me. While lying on my bed, I can sense my heart beating so fast... my chest seems to be like a springboard of tons and tons of baggage... i cant hardly breathe at that time. to add up, my mind is buggling with unexplainable thoughts.. it is as if it tries to be powerful enough to undo what has happened, which is totally impossible. My eyes are blank.. my mouth wants to choke anytime... my body is restless.. my spirit is very disturbed. When the time comes for me to rise.. i never felt i rested at all.. i felt that i came from a lost battle... i was such a loser that i dont want to face even my own reflection.
Now, i am trying to compensate what is left for me.. a not so difficult decision to make because there was no choice anyway.. but facing it is a totally different story. How many more sleepless nights? How much more I have to suffer? i am getting tired and i want an end. but if end will come, then whats next? a cycle i guess of a never ending quest on how to ruin my already meaningless life. what a pleasant surprise!

Crying Time

Need I say more???

This drop is a liberation...
From the innermost - a burst.
To you - my expression of rage.

Drop suddenly pours.
Exhilarating as the soul tries to escape and unleash.
Mind blowing, heart pounding - It continues.
Images appear, dreams persist - all unveils.

Then a temporary calmness,
a drought I am expecting,
similar preparedness.

Now I'm parked to get off the car.
Till the next crying time.

Journey To Transformation

The cliche "you left me out of nowhere" set in another tone.

In that fresh river flowing, we freed ourselves and followed the path.
We are greeted by that same roughness and calmness to a destination we never know where.
Our rhythm at the same pace, melodically creating a sweet serenade.
But towards the fall you never bothered to hold tight.
May it seem you lost your way along the chaos, your avoidance was intentional.

At peace again, the world is different.
You became salt, I became stale.
Situated from two different poles, togetherness is unimaginable.
This ride of life is over - So Are We.

Buhay matapos...

Ano ang buhay matapos ang lahat? napagtanto ko..


Miminsan, isang mapait na alaala lamang ang iyong dapat lisanin,
ngunit hindi Siya na patuloy na magiging kabigkis ng buhay.
Patuloy mong hagkan ang mabuti at masaya, at ipagpaliban ang kirot.
Palawakin ang kaisipan at hwag igapos sa tinik na kanyang iniwan.

Silent War

I've been waiting as far back as I understood what my heart is for.
A sudden rush of emotion emerges as pictures of the dream blind me.
I long to journey a life not alone, as I miss how my soul was touched by the simplest of ways.
I feel the void more frequently than ever, but I hold back the tears for the hope of finding.
In the most unexpected I'll see you... Hoping I will never ever lose you.
Beyond what's unseen is a force that silently fights. A long struggle waiting to be finally at peace.

My Triumph

I felt this before,
this isn't something new.
I've been here before,
I recognize every detail as it was yesterday.
I'm having the same feeling.
I'm having the same hurt.
I'm reminiscing how was it to be stabbed and be helpless.
But I will not succumb because I know better,
I will not let my spirit die for there's tomorrow.
I keep my worth not for someone else's prize,
but for my own possession.
You can never dictate what I will feel.
You can only trigger, but you can't control.

Regret

I'm missing you like I miss the world without my heart.
I'd like to hold tight to a free spirit but I can't feel the warmth.
Only in my memory they will come alive...
At times, its better that way-
perfect, ideal, and just as if everything falls into place.
If I can only say the right words to change the mind,
If I can undo things already ruined by time.

???

One must know where to end, to know where the perfect time to rest-
It is where what's left should be kept and what's lost should not be regained back.
Despite temptations, I will never insist.
Despite emotional damage, i will not push.
I lost it as I lose my hope of a dream coming true.
It hurts to know that what was as tight and as close is slowly shattering-
just like the wind blowing the dark ashes.
I accept the truth but I dont know how to face it...
I know where I stand but it is not where I was situated before...
Fate will give no more chances to make it up,
and all justifications will be effortless.
I am waiving goodbye - this time sane and calm.
In a land where I continuously struggle to belong,
I guess I am meant to be the island.
(Or should I find the similar islands instead?)

Quarter Life Came Early

Some say you don't have to explain yourself to anyone... I beg to disagree because to get a piece of you, you have to give something of you...


Ive been secretly writing for quite sometime now... As I have been for a decade or so.

I remember putting them on my small pocket notebook writing poems about envy, about nature with methods of personification; toying with words just for the sake. I even dared to write a novel even without full knowledge about the technicalities of how to set the plot, how to establish the climax, and how to end it. I got frustrated when it got lost during my highschool days. I never found it... I lost my early memorabilia.

There was a lapse. A sudden break from passion. A silent protest.

College days, I started writing again even without effort; trigerred by intense emotions I can't even control. With my lowest comes a work so deep I never questioned. Saving them as a text message, writing it on a piece of paper; they became so volatile, they come and go.

Year 2005 was a revelation from an aftermath. Year 2005, month of April, after my birthday, was a time in one's life when a man has to hold tight to what's left. Year 2005 was when writing became an outlet to withstand a lingering pain and I challenged myself to document it this time.

A couple of years since, a collection of bits and pieces of me was formed. Mostly dark because of its root. Some would shed hope because there is no way but to strive for it.

I will continue to write whatever reasons I will have for doing so... I should never waste a gift.
When I'll be gone, myself will stay with these words.

Life is a cycle. Circumstances are but similar to all; only that we express them in a way it best represents ourselves. As for me, I choose words because they are powerful, and that power can translate into music which is my heart and soul.

Till the next Chapter...

My Invisible War

The war has begun...
of survival and belonging,
of protecting and disengagement.
You broke the trust,
you earn the consequence.
I will not let this pass,
you'll never find it easy.

The war has begun...
you'll have the good times,
I'll have the bad.
Despite weaknesses,
I'll win the hearts.
You'll be a wanderer for all that is shallow,
simply because that's what you've got.
And I will find myself in comfort
of those who lasts.

My Heart's Voyage

Love yourself enough to be able to share love better next time...


You’ll never know the rivers I crossed until you continue walking with me.
If not , you’ll only know so much.
And you cant say that much.
I will never insist because it should be as free as the waters.
I don’t control other’s desires; I’m just at my best at any given time.

I’ve been at risk from deep trenches, monstrous waves.
Braved all of them for a light that I want to see.
I never expected that calmness would mean the end.
It’s but a bitter anticipation that triumph is not a reward of suffering.

I sailed back to the old creek that I have been.
Nothing has changed, but circumstances did.
I’ll fix my haven to accommodate my lost soul.
I’ll regain the strength, for a lifelong journey is up ahead.

When I smell the cold, inviting breeze at a shore next to me,
I’ll be there when I am ready. I’ll make the healing swift.
I can’t afford to lose so much time.
After all, my destiny is there - waiting for me.

Home

The freedom to express only applies to the norm.
Anything beyond or below that is a wicked gesture. I
somehow expected to be understood but failed,
I went out my way, but left disturbed.

There is no paradise.
There are no castles in the air.
I lived all my life with self-formed delusions.
I'm trapped in a world full of promises,
Only to find out none of them will last.

I have to go back to the old soul.
Lonely but tougher, saner, calmer.
I will dig to what I'm really made of,
By then, I'll be talking to myself, my one true self.

Expectations

Though my heart is at peace, the sea creates waves it kills.

Great Hopes

Missing you is like facing the world of bitter anticipation.

Patiently waiting for a bus to arrive finding there's none.

Deciding to buy your favorite stuff realizing you don't have your cash and card.

Having your regular haircut resulting to a disaster.

Each and everyday delusion forms that you will change your mind.

I'd risk my life for a feeling this strong... I'd risk my life.

A Martyr's Code

Love is beyond mutuality, beyond commitment...

It's having the courage to never stop after every storm.

It's believing that loving alone is enough because it's the right person anyway.

I'ts finding serenity in an unsecure place only because the feeling is much stronger than any odds.

It's when you finally stop to long that the sweet past will revive but the love still grows stronger than ever.

It's when you imagine yourself on your deathbed and never regret despite the life that's lost.

A Text Message for Myself

Issues in life worth looking back... some obsolete, some recurring...


While passing the busy streets in a late sunny afternoon, I've come to think what matters most in my life right now. I became so honest that I didn't care for the first time what it brings me.

You can search all the loves in the world-take a risk, give everything a try. But you will never be successful unless you accept that you just met the one but it just can't be. Then I want past to be back or else I'll be restless forever.

You can make yourself believe that experience and culture are the more important things for you to stay at work. Be patient and take your time, and opportunity will just pop into you when you're ripe. But I want to be practical and I want to redeem myself. For whatever it takes for me to hold my head up high, I need it and I want it now.

And you can never hide the truth no matter how good your intentions are. You can always protect yourself from unforeseen harm not realizing people care less and wouldn't even mind in the first place. Then I would like to be happy because I am, and not because others are so for me.

...

Just for the sake of posting... An episode last Aug 30, 2006 7:49 pm.


Once in a while, I feel my heart pressed again.
Seems breathing is so hard as if the old times.
I couldn't see light no matter how I open my horizon.
I couldn't feel serenity even if I safeguard all that I can,
I can never have the life I ideally pictured it.
But hope I can live by it knowing that someday, somehow, fear will disappear.

In Another Lifetime...

Long since a post was made.. And Im surprised myself that its still the bad old days that Im pushing for... tsk. tsk.


A couple of years,
A lifetime of waiting
Nothing has changed
Anticipation increases

I regret what I missed
I hold back to what’s left
Can’t bear to let pass
Any form of isolation.

Hopes remain
Rather fantasies persist.
I dig to find gold.
I found an empty hole.

It won’t go away
But it also can’t stay.
It lingers, it grows more.
Purpose is unknown.

Worth every tear
Every moment of despair.
Souls will meet again.
Nothing will change.